That woman. Why is she here again?
I was in a situation I couldn’t handle, in a relationship I couldn’t grasp. There’s a certain type of woman in my life, ‘she’ mostly appeared at work, an enigma and I couldn’t get past her. I want you to picture a narrow street and see her there, constantly blocking the path; she appears time and again, each moment she has a different face, but I assure you she’s the same woman. Like a recurring dream, I just know her. She looks straight at me and I can see everything in her face that she wants to say, but I struggle to fully understand what she needs from me, what’s behind her expression. There are times when she straight out refuses to look at me or even acknowledge that I’m there, but still she obstructs my path. Relentless. Unmoving. She first appeared in early 2001 and is still here, different accent but still here.
What I’m talking about are those relationships (personal, professional, intimate) or encounters with people we perceive as arduous. Perhaps it’s a friend who drains you, an employee who challenges you at every turn, family members being difficult for the sake of it, frustratingly obstinate. They turn up and get in the way of an easier life, calling me out, seemingly unyielding; irritating but pay attention, the message is right here. Whenever I cross paths with someone like this woman, I feel that familiar dread and anxiety. I want to be done with her, and my subconscious voice shamefully admitting that I still haven’t figured out why she won’t move on, leave me be. Why is she still here?
STOP. Pause. Now bend your mind a different way, find a new angle; a new perspective.
REFLECT. Did you bother to ask about her story, have you even tried to tap into her reality? You probably just pigeon-holed her along with the rest, assumed she had ill-intent and decided it wasn’t worth it, past experience tells you not to even bother. Did you take into account that those who lash out might be deeply unhappy, uncertain, afraid? Have you taken the time to look at what was underneath her overreaction? Did you question her on how you can be helpful?
DID YOU ACTUALLY HEAR HER? You saw in her face something distressing, did you try and understand her or was delving into her issues too confronting for you? You probably just averted your eyes or shrugged her off; sometimes it’s just too hard.
I have failed this woman over and over.
People situations are so often handled badly. When you have influence over someone, a leader in title or practice, no matter what stage of the game you’re in – be it CEO or apprentice – you have been tasked with guiding others. It is an enormous responsibility and when you first begin, you likely have very little insight as to the ‘how’. No matter what your experience, it’s all new again. Simply because with each new situation the circumstances will be different and naturally, you have no idea what is going on in each person’s life, what influences them, motivates or what shapes them. Often, those who provoke an exasperated response in you are looking for support, appreciation, inclusion and acceptance. Perhaps you will recognise it earlier than I; I hope so. Some will say they don’t want to be helped, but it’s not about what they say; it ‘s how they behave. And believe me, those people want ‘help’ as much as you do. They just don’t know how to say it; how to express their greatest fears.
“You don’t need to be a therapist, you just need to be kind.”
I know this first hand because I have failed this woman, over and over again. But she has been my biggest teacher, always contradicting, arguing and simply just being averse. When we are in the midst of the conflict, we must understand that we have a choice, we can manage this moment differently. What it’s like to be on the other side of us, we never see, think about that for a second. So often, we struggle and we anguish, but really it’s simple. We need to stop trying to control the situation and instead look to empathise. Don’t let your status at work (leader) or home (parent) stand in the way of who you really are. When presented with the choice to be who you think you should be and who you are underneath, be true to yourself every single time. Release expectations of how things should be done and reframe the moment; sit with it;trust yourself. It will get uncomfortable, believe me! But unless it does, there will be no breakthrough, no aha! moment for either of you and this woman will appear again until you get it right, for you both.
Let this be your wake-up call!
I admit to avoidance many times and because I couldn’t cope with the challenges and emotions that surfaced, they got bigger, she got harder to approach.Cowardly, yes, afraid of confrontation, yes, had no idea how to articulate myself, yes. But you don’t need to have all the answers (and you won’t straight away), but you do need to have compassion. And through an alliance based on this, she might just be relieved of her burden and find the answers for herself. If not, she might finally feel comfortable asking you.
Step outside the safety of your position and let her see authentic you, if you are to have any impact at all. Because the woman is still here, she’s not leaving, no matter what form she takes in your life, get use to it, pay attention and you’ll learn.
To that woman, thank you, where would I be without you, you brought me here.
