A renowned phenomenon, Imposter Syndrome mainly affects women and can make the workforce a very lonely place to be. Liz, Co-Founder of Relatable, shares her personal story of fraud.
I’m going to tell you all about a world I once felt like an imposter in – and oftentimes, still do.
It’s a world within the workplace that nobody feels they can talk about, one that can be a very lonely, desolate place. I’ve seen it time and again; the stiff back of someone trying to walk taller than they are, desperately trying to convince themselves – as much as anyone else – that they are a perfect match for a job they have been given.
The first time I recall feeling like this was the day I entered the world of work. I had no idea how I made it through that first interview (or, to be perfectly honest, what I was actually interviewing for), but I was eventually offered the job and I started the following week. My Dad had bought me a new suit and I just remember feeling so overwhelmed. I was 22, entry-level in media and on that first day, spent a full hour sitting at the train station because I was so early. Who did I think I was – this child playing dress-ups (and of course, everyone else was in jeans)?! Absolutely mortifying! The job was a good one too – and kind of cool, for un uncool kid like me; already I’m feeling way out of my depth.
I spent the first few years at this job showing up early, doing everything I was asked and staying late for fear someone would realise I actually wasn’t very good. For anyone who knows me you might still recognise this pattern of behaviour. I worked hard, put in long hours and went above and beyond, mostly because I felt I lacked the smarts to keep me otherwise afloat. And I must have been convincing at the time – this behaviour saw me promoted pretty quickly. And here I now was responsible for two others in the team – me! A total charlatan!
Of course, I’d applied myself and worked out the basics; I also had a good attitude. But that didn’t mean that I had any clue of how to “manage” anything, especially people. What does ‘managing someone’ even mean? Just handle the people and processes, I was told. But what do I know about that, I remember thinking.
Separated from the Pack
And so now I’m a People Leader; I’ve shown potential & been rewarded for it, but I’m well and truly in the frying pan. I’ve been separated from the pack, albeit a small one, but now I’m ‘managing’ people, feeling exposed and under pressure, with expectations upon me of which I have no true comprehension. Being uplifted from my peers adds a whole new complexity to my vulnerability; do they assume that I think I’m better than them? The anxiety of feeling that I now have to treat them differently; once job-equals and confidants, now I have nobody. How do they feel about me being promoted over them? Will they do as I ask; will they talk and laugh behind my back?
My overwhelming feeling is that this new position is completely disproportionate to my experience; I keep telling myself that I am simply not capable. Sure, I could apply myself and I can (and will) say literally ‘yes’ to everything I am asked, but “manage” and “lead” people? How the hell do I do that? I feel like I have nothing to contribute. This new role has come about so quickly and suddenly I’m supposed to have all the answers and be accountable for others. All eyes are on me, but the question is stuck on repeat in my head – can I actually do this?
To this day, I often feel a sense of dread as I blunder my way through work and life. Much less so, as I’ve gained perspective and confidence, but the fraudulent feeling never truly goes away. Always coming back to the same set of concerns: did they make a mistake? Did they pick the wrong one? Anxious that I will be exposed and humiliated once they finally realise.
I used to think that it was just me; that I was the only one who felt like this. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve found so many others who feel the same way. There are articles on it; studies about it – it’s definitely a female-skewed issue. We women can be such a hindrance to ourselves because we often lack belief in our own worth (the patriarchy is alive & well!); we worry that our contribution is ‘less than’, perhaps we’re too emotional for this level of management or we simply don’t have the confidence. Do men not feel Imposter Syndrome as much because the path has been laid out much more easily for them? Or do they genuinely believe in themselves?
I’m not sure we’ll ever have the exact answers. But over time, I have learned how to combat my feelings of fraud using simple measures such as basic confidence building techniques and a self-guided approach to actualisation.
Basic Measures to Build Confidence
- Smile! It’s simple and effective. If you want to receive good energy, be sure to put it out there first.
- Be on time, every time. It represents a sound attitude and attitude accounts for a lot.
- Sometimes, do more than what is asked & do it willingly. Don’t work for free – that’s not what I’m suggesting – but always stretch yourself. You’ll be amazed what comes back to you.
- Humility and compassion make way for connection. And old fashioned, honest-to-goodness relationships are the success of every career.
Find Your Wing-Women (Or Men!)
The reality is, we need to be able to trust the person who we expose our insecurities to. I would often look around and worry I was too needy – that guy’s too busy, that woman’s not interested, she’s avoiding me, he would laugh and she would criticise. The panic sets in – how do you learn this stuff and who teaches you? As a leader, you feel like others’ day-to-day lives are now in your hands, but you feel completely out of your depth. I often spent my days ignoring and avoiding people; running away from situations and pretending I didn’t notice; always looking busy. The hard truth was I backed away because I knew they would assume I knew what to do. But of course, I didn’t; I just felt inept and scared.
The good news is – there will be someone. It may not be your boss, your friend or your closest colleague. But someone will understand you; someone will care and take the time to teach you. And the best part is that you get to pick that person. You are in control of who you share your imposter worries with; who you trust enough to ask for help. The trick is to pick this person carefully. You need a good match, someone who has been there, or is still there, someone who is like-minded and aligned with your style and most importantly, your values.
Self-Guide Towards Actualisation
With years of mistakes & learnings behind me (nothing teaches you better than making a complete idiot of yourself, especially in public!), here is how I would coach my 24 year old self battling peak Imposter Syndrome:
- Admit (to myself & others) that I am just starting out and have much to learn. Now, after years of leadership, it’s refreshing to see someone willing to open themselves up to learning. It creates connection and it shows humility.
- You are not there to spruik yourself. You’re in a leadership role to better those you lead and if you do it well, the acknowledgement will come regardless.
- Write down questions as situations arise and if you can, ask as you go. Don’t be afraid to look silly; chances are the person next to you needs the answer too.
- The avoidance habit was my number one go-to, but if you continue to ignore the issue, the pile will just get bigger and quite frankly, harder to shovel. Break down the problem and tackle it, not the people involved.
- Ask straight out – what exactly is expected of me? You are not supposed to know everything straight away and you are owed direction.
- Find someone you trust, someone who sports a leadership style that is congruent to yours; you cannot act with authenticity without finding this match.
- Read everything! Get recommendations of books, find articles that suit you, and inhale what resonates. Knowledge is confidence, so take charge and teach yourself.
- Do not expect the answers to just come to you; ultimately, you are responsible for your own path.
- And finally, whilst I hate to say it, sometimes you just have no choice but to walk right in and face your fears. Ultimately, there are some lessons which can only be learned by taking the reins.
We’re All Imposters
With hindsight, of course, comes wisdom. I look back now at those who were scurrying around, just like I was; those senior leaders who appeared ‘ahead of the game’ and had a hand in putting me in that role. They were all frauds too. Because of course they were! Everyone has to do something for the first time; we all have an aspect of faking it till we make it. When you finally realise that almost everyone is winging it, the load lightens. Ego will prevent some (many!) from admitting the truth, but we all feel it. And those who can be authentic in their feelings of fraudulence, will learn and grow beyond the rest.
