For some of us, anxiety is a lifelong burden we have no option but to carry. And for me, she comes with a name: Anne.
For those of us with VIP membership to the Shitty Anxiety Eff-Off-Now Club, we’ve heard it all before. The fool-proof guide to beating anxiety and the ground-breaking steps that will change our lives. In the middle of an episode, we’re told to take deep, calculated breaths, ground ourselves and be present. For best preventative measures, we need to stay away from caffeine and be sure to eat ‘right’ (not a thing, BTW). Sometimes it’s best to just sit with the feeling or if that doesn’t work, maybe try the ‘wait to worry’ exercise (do not recommend). Then, as always, physically exert yourself (ugh, exercise), get a good night’s sleep, and be sure to express gratitude.
There! That should do it. Cured.
Except it often doesn’t and we’re really not. Anxiety takes hold of different people in different ways. It can be a ball of frenetic energy sitting stubbornly in your chest or it can be that incessant voice in your head screaming that you’re just not good enough. It can be both, of course. It can be a hundred other manifestations, some physical, some psychological; all frightening and sometimes isolating.
We all have our individual experiences. At times, my day-to-day anxiety may spiral into a panic attack (FYI, these are a whole other ballgame). Other times, it will just sit at the pit of my stomach, lurking and lurching. And what soothes me in these times, may not necessarily soothe you. There is not a catch-all cure; in fact, there really isn’t a cure at all. There are, of course, strategies, exercises and medications to help, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that my anxiety and I are frenemies for life. So much so that I have given it (her) a name – Anne.
Anne comes and goes and I’m kind of used to her by now; we’ve been hanging out together for about 25 years or so. She’s like the little sister I never wanted – needy, embarrassing and follows me around a lot. I particularly hate it when she wants to come with me to see my friends; clearly the pub is no place for her. And yet, there she is.
Over the years, I have had to find ways to calm Anne down and help her chill a bit. Ways to curb her excessive neediness and keep her occupied when I have things to do. Sometimes I don’t get it right and an activity I think she might like leads to a ridiculous tantrum. Other times, I’ll stumble upon something we can do together that helps ease the discord. The balance can be tricky. She is always around, but she can be unpredictable too.
I’ve put together a few tried-and-true methods that help me settle Anne down. Perhaps they will help you too.
- Anne’s a TV junkie and when she’s getting too tough to handle, we have some go-to programs which help dial down the chaos. Friends, Brooklyn 99 and The Office (US) are some particular favourites. They’re relaxed, light-humoured and just real enough to help Anne feel safe. Nothing soothes her soul more than a 1am marathon of Friends S3 (especially The One With The Football, if you’re after some comedy gold). Crappy reality TV also works.
- In the same vein, multi-episode movie series (Harry Potter, Die Hard, etc.) are good to keep Anne calm. Primarily because they go on for hours and there is generally a storyline to follow across each of the titles. Keeps her distracted. And if you must know, our pick of the lot is the Jurassic Park series. Anne loves a good dinosaur-action story and she has a soft spot for Jeff Goldblum. Go figure.
- Continuing on the entertainment path, Anne can usually be placated(ish) by some hilarious Insta-comedians (not Twitter though, there’s too much world gloom on there to keep her calm). She always gets a kick out of stories by @averagefashionblogger, sisters @erinfoster and @sarafoster and the effervescent @celestebarber. If she’s having particular trouble on a Friday, we will go and check out @confetti_rebels dance series, #shakeyourtitsitsfriday. Never fails.
- Of course, there are times when social media comedy and dinosaurs just won’t cut it. And that’s ok. At times a glass of wine will help Anne’s nerves, and other times it won’t. I know the difference and act accordingly. If she’s a little edgy, then one glass can be a good relaxant. If she’s started to spiral into an episode, then we steer clear of alcohol altogether.
- Overall, distraction from the burgeoning lack of control gives Anne pause and draws her focus. I have learnt to become the Queen of Distraction over the years. Gaming has its uses – whether it’s as intense as Fortnite or as simple as Solitaire on your iPhone. Occasionally, Anne likes to knit or colour-in, but can get stroppy if it’s too fiddly. The aim is to get her to focus on something she can get lost in without the stress of ‘getting it right’.
As I’m sure is becoming clear, Anne can be very frustrating. She’s loud, she’s pesky and she’s shameless. But after all these years, I know that it comes from a place of hurt, so there will often be times where I just sit with her and ride it out. We cry a lot – Lord, do we cry! – but that can sometimes help. An outpouring of emotional energy that leaves her exhausted and spent can be quite the elixir. After that she’s simply too tired to put up a fight. And if she’s still a little unsettled after a long cry, a good cuddle will seal the deal. None of those luke-warm, pat-on-the-back hugs, but an all encompassing embrace to keep her feeling cosy and safe. Safety is key, always.
I know Anne will always be with me, and I’ve learned to be okay with that. In some ways, I’m not sure I would even know how to live without her. But how I manage my day-to-day anxiety might not be how you manage yours. It can manifest itself in so many ways, and it would be impossible to give a blanket solution for all. This article is a bunch of ideas that could help, but it’s okay if they don’t – you will find your own ways and means.
Write to us, ladies! Do you have trouble with an Anne too? How do you take care of her?
