It can be a horrible feeling when we think we’ve let someone down. And cancelling plans, rescheduling a meeting or backing out of an event can often feel like we’ve ruined a relationship forever. Worse still, when our own mental health is the reason behind it. So why do we struggle so much to just be honest and put ourselves first?
I have an intense aversion to letting people down. Like…intense.
And I have no doubt there’s a deep-rooted, psycho-analytical reason for it, based on some childhood event or set of circumstances that caused me to believe that disappointment was the absolute worst thing you could make someone else feel. The twisting and turning of my stomach, the clamminess of my hands; the sheer dreadedness (yes it’s a word) when I have to cancel plans or move a meeting is all consuming. Even something as simple as changing the time of a coffee date with a friend sends my anxiety on a trip. Will they hate me now? I’m so unreliable, so flaky. Why would anyone actually put up with this?
It’s a slippery slope, right? And I can explore all of my ‘letting down’ history in therapy (and believe me, I will). But what are some simple truths we can remind ourselves of when we think we’re letting others down? There are some great self-talk narratives that can help; ease the burden of disappointment and help us move forward without the needless fretting.
Cancelling plans is not the end of the world.
It’s just not. I absolutely promise you. It may feel like the world’s largest sinkhole has opened up and made a meal out of you, but it hasn’t. You will reflect on this in a few hours and the dread will have passed. In fact, you may even feel relieved. You will wake up tomorrow and it will be a new day (with all new anxieties to conquer!). So let’s not get stuck on this one. In the spirit of ‘this too shall pass’, let’s remember that this moment is just a teeny tiny snapshot in time. No one will remember it when writing your eulogy.
The anticipation is worse than the action.
As with so many things we seem to stress about, often the lead up is worse than the moment itself. If we let ourselves overthink sending that text message or making that phone call, it becomes a beast of a thing; something we are then too frightened to conquer. Don’t make excuses and put off the communication; rip that bandaid off, wax those eyebrows and down that tequila shot. Procrastination breeds panic, friends.
People don’t actually care – they have their own shit to deal with.
Yes, yes. I know this sounds harsh. But seriously, the majority of people are walking around so intensely caught up in their own worries and woes, that you may have actually done them a favour. We are social beings, but we are also very self-focused. Chances are that your concerns over postponing that lunch or saying no to that event are unfounded. You are just one person and (contrary to your own opinion), you are not the centre of that person’s world. Let it go.
Spending time worrying about letting others down, only lets ourselves down.
If we use up all of our energy worrying about how we might have disappointed others, we will inevitably hurt ourselves. Making ourselves sick with stress, letting make-believe scenarios spiral out of control, these things only lead to our own demise. It is possible to put yourself (and your mental health) first, without compromising your relationships with others. How do we do that? Well, I’m so glad you asked…
Be authentic and let people in.
For so long, people have endured the sufferings of mental illness silently, scared of being shamed or ridiculed for being weak. The truth is, we all suffer in one way or another. We all have crosses to bear and problems to solve. And if we’re open about these issues, if we let ourselves be vulnerable and share our ‘secrets’, we open ourselves to connection. By explaining to a mate that you are cancelling because you’re just not feeling yourself or the world today seems a little overwhelming, you are showing them your true self and giving them the space to understand. Give your people the benefit of the doubt; if they really care for you, it won’t make an ounce of difference.
It’s a common misconception that we shouldn’t appear too needy, or seem like too much of a burden. That if we tell people how we truly feel, we will lose them. That we’re being selfish or our deficiency is unpalatable. In fact, more often than not, the opposite is true. By being truly authentic, we create the space for others to feel comfortable in doing so too. We are giving others permission – hey, you might be feeling shitty today too; and that’s ok! It’s all just part and parcel of this manic merry-go-round we call life.
So if you’re not up to task and you feel like a day in bed, do it. Be honest and open and communicate changes as you feel them. You’re not letting anyone down. You’re creating space to be a healthier you.
